The Pity Party Postulate

I realize that I make a lot of jokes about my weight, about my fitness goals, etc. Mostly I am being sarcastic and there is no sarcastic font.

Or is there?

I am on Facebook and while I was previously a huge FB addict, I use it mostly to share pictures with friends and family as well as the occasional goofy observation about life.

In keeping with the spirit of my recent half marathon, I wanted to share one of my posts from Facebook:

That non-awkward moment walking next to two teachers (both prime number dress sizes in single digits; that means their dress sizes were 1, 2, 3, 5 or 7) who were both talking about how “big” each were while I’m holding a venti mocha and eating a chocolate donut. I’m thinking, “Pffft. I just did a half-marathon, am able to do REAL push-ups, and can dance all night in platforms. Y’all need to CHILL.”

I added later:

“I don’t hate the skinnies! I detest self-loathing, pity parties, and poor body image! Strive for strength and always be ready to par-tay in heels!”

I know everyone is fighting their own battle. It does sting though when woman complaining about her size 2 jeans, a woman who is a fraction of the size of yourself, and yet my own complaint might sting someone else who is in the same boat.

Maybe we should have ground rules.

Nah, ground rules would get too complicated. How about we all just have a glass of moscato instead?

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Um, why yes, those are screen shots of my Pinterest account.

How Not to Train for a Half Marathon

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• Don’t start training a month before the race. Consult your doctor who for sure will think you’re nuts for waiting until the last minute.

• Don’t get sick three weeks before your race, especially if you’re a late start. You’ll need as many days as you possibly can to train.

• Don’t be arrogant. If you need a few days to recover from the flu, by all means take them.

• Do relish in the fact that your thighs are no longer BFFs. Now that you’ve incorporated physical activity into your daily life after a long hot summer hiatus, your thighs are now moving when you walk instead of the awkward stuck-together-never-moving feeling. Even if you’ve got thunder thighs, remember that thunder is POWERFUL.

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• Do accept compliments about your body from your significant other. If he says you look even better than when you were dating, don’t argue. This is one of the few times he’ll be right. Let him enjoy it.

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• Don’t doubt yourself even for a moment. If your goal was to run the entire thing a year ago but your goal now is to finish, don’t be so hard on yourself. That’s who you’re doing it for so DON’T YOU FORGET THAT!

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The Coughing Conundrum

The boy and I have been ill since Sunday. Probably the flu. Definitely fever. Definitely painful coughing.

I cancelled my sub job for Tuesday. Come to find out it was the WRONG TUESDAY and I was a NO SHOW for this morning!

Gets better. The kids missed their eye appointments this afternoon! All three of them! I forgot to cancel the appointment!

I think I’m delirious. R came home from work in the early afternoon and I had slept all morning! A whole morning wasted!

Now any sane person would think, Um, you’re sick. Of course you need your rest.

Alas, I am not sane. When R went to pick up the girls from school, he came home to find a freshly scrubbed kitchen floor and de-grimed tile countertops. Also, I was scrubbing the oven like there was no tomorrow.

The kitchen was getting disgusting and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

After a delicious dinner of homemade sloppy joes, I changed into work out gear and said, “I need to walk. I’m gonna do six miles.”

“Are you serious?” R asked.

“Yes! The half marathon is in a week and a half!”

The first mile I thought I was a bad ass! I was walking for the first time in over a week. Last week I had a week long sub job in a kindergarten class that left me exhausted every day. I intended to walk a few times after school each day but I couldn’t. I couldn’t muster up any energy at the end of the day.

The second mile I was cursing myself for being so ambitious.

In the end I did six miles in under two hours. You’d think I’d be exhausted after having been ill for a few days and with little physical activity for the past week but I feel great.

Ask me how I feel in an hour.

Get Set…

It would have been pretty easy to ignore my alarm that I’ve programmed my phone to say “GET YO ASS OUT OF BED AND GET TO THE GYM ALREADY.” Okay, it doesn’t say that verbatim but it is pretty close.

It was my first full night’s sleep since arriving here in Minneapolis. I went to bed without having to tell kids to brush their teeth or change. Without letting the dogs out and letting the cats in. Without having to apologize for reading in bed while someone next to me slumbered.

It was quiet. A bit lonely but I knew I wouldn’t be here for very long.

I ate a chocolate chip muffin left over from the airport. (Hrrrmph, you don’t have to remind me of my last post, thankyouverymuch.) I took my time in the bathroom. I fell asleep to reruns of The Big Bang Theory.

It was nice. A bit lonely but I knew I wouldn’t be here for very long.

I got out of bed. I walked five miles on the treadmill at a pace I would consider too fast to which to windowshop. I won’t break any records with this pace but I feel like I can maintain this pace for three to four hours… which essentially will be how long I will be walking in this half marathon.

I need to mention that I am not impressed with the food here. It could just be hotel catering. It could be that nothing is in season. I don’t know.

Do you know how when you go somewhere new and you agree to keep an open mind but nevertheless you’re still disappointed?

We had Mexican food and no, I did not take a pic. It was not Instagram-worthy. No taste in the pico de gallo (jalepenos were nonexistent, not enough lime) and don’t even get me started on the guacamole. I thought I was just being picky BUT THEN I HAD AN APPLE.

Apples are apples, right?

No, not here. I picked up a fuji apple from the fruit bowl in the fitness room. THERE WAS NO TASTE TO IT. Not tangy. Not sweet.

I’m at the mall again. I walked a mile already but I’m not going to tell you what I had for dinner and I’m not going to tell you what I’m drinking in the Starbucks of the Barnes and Noble cafe either.

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Busted.

On Your Mark…

I went to see my doctor last week and while this is the strongest I’ve ever been, I’m also THE HEAVIEST I’ve been since being pregnant. Yikes!

I’m now forty pounds heavier than what I used to weigh in college, and probably twenty pounds heavier than what I usually weigh. Tough to see this in print.

I suppose I could mope and be sad which trust me I did but then I realized that race season is just around the corner!

Many people say they gain weight from the holidays. On the contrary, I think it’s a lot easier to pack on the pounds in sunny weather. I can’t feel my legs getting bigger in my cute A-line skirts and flowy dresses. Nothing like your fat jeans turning to your skinny jeans.

It’s been a hot summer and I can’t go outside in 100 degree weather. I just can’t.

Thirteen miles in one go is a lofty goal but I have about a month. The plan is to try to run a third (bear with me, keeping my expectations low so when I exceed them, I will truly have a moment) and walk the rest really quickly.

Even on my business trip and after only two hours of sleep I still walked five miles. Okay, not continuously and two of them were while sightseeing but the Mall of America is HUGE!

I can’t blame my husband for being an awesome chef. After all, he doesn’t force me to have sugar cravings after dinner. He doesn’t give me giant portions on my plate. I did have to tell him that I’m going to have to start cooking more chicken and fish, less red meat, and starch in minuscule amounts. Still, wouldn’t you think it would be hard to control yourself around homemade goodness such as this?

Russian Tea Cakes

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Homemade peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. Yes, he baked them from scratch. Yes, they tasted like they were made from God’s tears. Yes, the kids ate almost all of them so I didn’t have as many as my eyeballs would have begged.

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This would be cow tongue but I didn’t eat it. Our kids ate it! Glad they’re not picky like Mommy.

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And don’t forget birthday parties. My nephew (technically third cousin; he is my cousin’s grandson but because of the generational lineage, they want the boy to call me GRANDMA! Um, no…) celebrated his second birthday this summer. I did control myself but apparently not enough.

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We can’t forget about the new Japanese and Middle Eastern restaurants that have just opened in town. I think you can figure out which pictures were taken in the respective restaurants.

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On second thought, it probably is a blessing that I went to the doctor. My starting point would be a lot further behind me!

The Grumpy Cat Turbulation

We’ve been married for almost thirteen years but in the past month I realized that I don’t really know my husband.

Like, at all.

The first month he was home he went to the gym six days a week, determined to lose the thirty pounds or so he’s put on in the last year. He goes to what he used to call a “vanity” gym at five in the morning, Monday through Saturday, rarely missing a day.

My first half marathon is coming up in a couple of months so I decided to go with him a few times.

I never knew he was a morning person.

Seriously.

I’ve always been a night owl (check out the times I usually update this blog) but having kids forces you to wake up when they do.

“Mommy, I have to go potty!” Then go. You don’t need to tell me.

“Mommy, I’m hungry!” Mommy buys Pop Tarts for a reason. Pantry.

“Mommy, can I play with your iPhone?” [snoring]

In the past twelve years, the following in any and all combinations have disturbed my slumber:

A. When the kids wake up
B. When the pets wake up
C. When the sun rises

So here we are, driving to the gym and he proceeds to talk about everything! His new job. His excitement for going to college in the spring. What we might do this weekend. What we might do this evening. What muscle groups he’s going to work today.

And here I am next to him all

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Omfg. The sun has not even come up yet.

Needless to say, I don’t wake up too often to go to the gym with him anymore.