The Moment of Pride Theory

  

I went to see my doctor today. Since going off my pills in the fall, I had gained thirty pounds and my blood pressure had gone up twenty points in the past year. 

“Why did you go off your pills?” he asked. 

I told him that I didn’t know and that I felt like I had to be off of them. I wanted to see a therapist to help me figure out if I  needed to go back on my pills. 

I guess I knew in my heart is probably need to be on them of the rest of my life but I thought I would have a sense of pride when I stopped taking them, knowing I didn’t need them anymore.

I didn’t. 

There was no shining moment of pride. Only months of despair since I’ve taken my last half dose. Months that were thrown down a deep dark well. 

All I knew is that I wanted to be alone all the time, even contemplated a separation from my husband. It was like my head was the Pixar movie, Inside Out, only…

Only Joy was dead. Anger ruled. Disgust and Sadness sometimes came to play but Anger didn’t like that. It was just easier to let Anger run the show.

But now here I am in the doctor’s office, feeling only Sadness. 

Last year when I saw him he said that sometimes people need help with chemical balances in their head like someone who needed to wear glasses. That person with less-than-perfect vision couldn’t just decide one day they weren’t going to wear their glasses. 

This year he gave the same analogy and I told him that the analogy made sense to me last year.

“Then why did you stop?”

I didn’t know. I think I felt like I wasn’t a regular person if I was taking them, less-than-perfect only I do wear glasses. You can talk about depression and anxiety on the Internet and in theory but I can’t talk to anyone about this in person. No one gets it. Sometimes I feel like I have to prove that yes, my depression is very real but why should I? Hence, my need for a referral to see a therapist. 

My doctor gave me a list of resources and told me not to fret. Outsiders might scoff at his last bit of advice but those in my shoes understand.

We understand too well. Overthinking our way into and through every situation. The sooner I accept this, the sooner maybe my mind will be at peace. 

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