Loud Silence

The chill from the air and the cold tiny raindrops hit me at the same time when I stepped outside this morning. The sun from last week was long gone but I didn’t care.

I was smiling. Truly smiling for the first time in years.

I haven’t felt this healthy since R’s accident and while the scale says I’ve got fifteen pounds to relive those days I don’t care.

I feel good.

When I’m on the phone with R I say, “Yay! I heart salads twice a day!” with as much sarcasm one can muster.

I am also alone. Many mothers (including myself) may feel a slight twinge of guilt when given time to themselves. Some may see it as selfish even.

But it’s not.

I can hear myself smile. That’s how long it has been.

For so long I found myself occupying my time. Checking Facebook. Making something I saw on Pinterest. To-Do Lists that never end.

One by one, when I am fortunate enough to realize the distraction that has become a habit, everything gets turned off.

I have forgotten how loud silence is.

And how much I miss it.

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