Disgusting and Weirdness Coming Your Way

A friend from high school came over for dinner and we reminisced about the old days. We talked about the future as well.

“You must be pretty excited about R retiring soon,” she said.

I must have made a face because she said, “You’re not happy about that?”

“No, it’s not that. It will just be very different when he gets home, that’s all.”

For one, I am utterly disgusting. And totally weird! There are so many things I do that I don’t even know that I do them until he gets home! Cover your eyes. Here comes the disgusting part.

* I go to the bathroom with the door open.

* I watch too much “The Big Bang Theory” as in “geez, just because it’s in syndication, it doesn’t mean you need to watch them all. Today.”

* I walk around the house with shorts and a tank like I am thirty pounds lighter and twenty years younger. Yes, they are inappropriate for wearing out in public but not so revealing that it’s inappropriate for my kids.

* I use way too much creamer in my coffee.

* My inner voice sometimes lets itself out and I talk to myself. Mostly on purpose.

* I get obsessed with cleaning for a few days then I work a few days in a row and with three kids, the house gets pretty disorderly faster thanyou can skip this post.

* I only have two looks: (1) gussied up with work clothes, high shoes, and fab make-up and (2) gym clothes (before and/or after) with no makeup (not even concealer) and a look on my face that says, “Oh hell no! Why am I awake so early?” or “I am so thirsty!” I am afraid there is no middle ground.

* I have a potty mouth that I keep under control in public and when I am at work. I really try my best to keep it in check around the kids. And their dad is a sailor? Ugh, they don’t stand a chance!

* Everyone has gas but not everyone has to be aware of it. Case in point: I, um, had it and forgot I wasn’t alone.

Luckily (or sadly for my husband) these realizations come into play the first night he’s home. Although he is aware of my sense of humor if you could call it that.

* In a text to R: “I am going to give up sexual innuendo for Lent but it’s going to be hard.”

* Me, on the phone with receptionst: “My kids just got cavities and they got nitrous oxide. Are there side effects to the gas like extreme irritability or are my kids just cranky?”

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