Yesterday was surreal. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive. I felt invincible.
I got up like I did every Saturday to meet my friend at the gym for our favorite Zumba instructor’s class so what was so different about yesterday?
Yesterday’s class was my fourth Zumba class this week. Crazy, right?
I’m telling you, this instructor is amazing. She used to be a dancer in Mexico and she likes her music loud. Really loud. She said she likes for it to feel like a club in her class except I don’t scream “OOHT OOHT!” randomly. Oh wait, I do.
Not to take away credit from Vanessa for she definitely is inspiring and encouraging, but this new and welcome feeling of being powerful went beyond Zumba. I ate better this past week, still feeling good about my recent decluttering week. Less refined carbs, less sugar, less diet soda, way less Starbucks. I was mindful about the way I worked out, doing more than what I usually could but also keeping my ego in check and knowing that a wrong landing could seriously reinjure my knee.
I was living life mindfully. No, I AM living life mindfully.
Life shouldn’t be like a view from the train, watching it fly by. I ran into roadblocks this week and felt so sad that conversations with my husband were quick and didn’t offer band-aids to my aching heart.
I cannot appreciate the good if there is no bad. There will be bad, bad enough to feel like it ran up to me out of nowhere and suckerpunch me in the gut. Perhaps even strong enough to knock me off of this endorphin-fueled, sugarless horse.
Then I heard about the helicopter crash in Afghanistan and last April’s feelings washed over me quicker than maple syrup over warm chocolate chip pancakes. I didn’t want to call my husband this morning; SEALs were killed and though he isn’t one, he works with and knows many.
That was a crummy feeling to feel the power, the light, the life just sucked out of you. I was afraid about how he was feeling knowing that being a geobachelor takes his toll on him, how truly helpless we all are in matters of war, and how I was fully aware of how much I wanted to hug him right then and there.
Then a warmth rejuvenated in me. This is my husband. Talk to him. Connect with him. Not just over the phone. Tap into the part of my brain that housed every memory of us and unlock it. Use it.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I think this rings true for everything else in life too. We all have the power within us; we just need to find our own keys to unlock it.
I derive strength from my marriage, my family, my sugarless and carb reduced diet, memories of everything I’ve ever accomplished in life, and the drive to do more. Those are my keys. Sure, I lose them every so often but it is an exhilarating feeling to try again after failure. Despite failure.
And life goes on.