Goofy nail salon scene or “Say something, dammit!”

HUSBAND TAKES KIDS TO SEE ZOOKEEPER THE MOVIE. HUSBAND NOT THRILLED. TALKING ANIMALS AND MALL COP? KIDS ECSTATIC.

MEANWHILE AT HOME, WIFE GETS TEXT FROM BFF: R U free? Wanna do something?
WIFE: How about a pedicure? Coffee and reading magazines at Borders?
BFF: Let’s do both!

LATER AT NAIL SALON
WIFE (NOTICES THAT BFF IS A FULL TWO TREATMENTS AHEAD OF HER): (IN SPANISH) I’m cold.
BFF: Huh?
WIFE: (IN SPANISH) I’m never cold. She put the clay on me and left it on. I’m cold!
BFF: I don’t know what to say.

SHOCKING TO BOTH AS BFF HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE MORE OUTSPOKEN. BOTH GIGGLE.

FIVE MINUTES LATER
MAN WITH EGGS WALKS IN SALON. WIFE’S PEDICURIST ABANDONS POST, WALKS OVER TO MAN, AND HANDLES HIS EGGS. GRABS WHITE EGG. HOLDS UP TO LIGHT AND YELLS SOMETHING TO MAN. GRABS BROWN EGG. HOLDS UP TO LIGHT AND YELLS SOMETHING TO MAN. HOLDS UP WHITE EGG TO LIGHT AGAIN.
WIFE LOOKS AT BFF AND GIVES HER A CONFUSED LOOK.
BFF: I don’t know what to say.

PEDICURIST RETURNS AND PUTS MASSAGE OIL ON TOP OF CLAY ON WIFE’S CALVES.
WIFE LOOKS AT BFF WHO DOESN’T NOTICE BECAUSE SHE’S TOO BUSY LAUGHING AND IS NOW GETTING A PARAFFIN WAX ON FEET.
PEDICURIST GETS ON CELL PHONE, YELLS/TALKS (?) FOR A MINUTE, THEN COVERS CELL PHONE WITH TOWEL, PRESUMABLY TO AVOID GETTING OILY CLAY ON IT.
WIFE: (MUMBLES THROUGH FROZEN SMILE) Omg. You’re getting a hot rock massage already?
BFF: I. Don’t. Know. What. To. Say.
WIFE: Quit saying that!
BFF: (LAUGHS) Maybe you should say something.

WIFE TAKES DEEP BREATH. NEVER SAYS ANYTHING BECAUSE SHE’S USUALLY GO-WITH-THE-FLOW.
WIFE: (TO PEDICURIST) Excuse me?
BFF STIFLES GIGGLE.

PEDICURIST IS NOW MASSAGING ONE OILY CLAY CALF WITH ONE HAND, TALKING ON CELL WITH THE OTHER. PROBABLY ABOUT THE WHITE EGG. OR MAYBE THE BROWN EGG.
WIFE: Excuse me? Are you almost–?
BFF NOW LAUGHING.
PEDICURIST IS STILL MASSAGING SAME CALF.

WIFE: HI! HELLO! ARE YOU ALMOST DONE (REALIZES SHE’S YELLING AND CALMS DOWN) because my friend is?
PEDICURIST NODS AND APOLOGIZES. PARAFFIN WAX IS TOO HOT. HOT ROCK MASSAGE IS TOO COLD.

WIFE FEELS LIKE SHE’S IN FRACKING GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE EGGS ALREADY.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Don’t count your eggs before they’ve
A bird in the hand is
Take! These broken wings! And learn to fly again
Don’t be a chicken. You’ll never know when someone will take:
(1) advantage of your niceness.
(2) your white egg.
(3) your brown egg.

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4 thoughts on “Goofy nail salon scene or “Say something, dammit!”

  1. This was hilarious! Quite an experience. So you once chewed your future husband out for “leaving” you at a bar when you first met, but you let this pedicurist get away with all this? (Just kidding!)

  2. I didn’t know what to say at the time — but I do want to say that your post was hilarious. So true. I felt like I was doing my funny eyes at you the whole time too and your pedicurist still didn’t get it!! Ha ha – this is one for the history books!

  3. Pingback: Best Scene Ever (or Intro to NaNoWriMo) « navywifechronicles

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