By now you’ve seen pics of our cute and funny kids. I would like to take this time to address some questions that seem to arise every time I take them out in public.
1. Are these ALL your kids?
What I say: Yes.
What I’d like to say, #1: Are you saying that I’m too young to have three kids? Why, thank you. I’m their nanny.
What I’d like to say, #2: Are you saying that all of these kids aren’t my husband’s? Because none of them are. Do you work for Maury?
2. They’re so cute!
What I say: Thank you.
What I’d like to say, #1: And what am I? Chopped liver?
What I’d like to say, #2: I’ll be sure to let their father, Brad Pitt, know. Don’t tell Angelina. Or Aniston for that matter!
3. Are the girls twins?
What I say: No, they’re three years apart.
What I’d like to say: Look at them. They don’t look alike AT ALL. You just asked if they were all mine and now you’re going to ask if they’re twins? Unbelievable.
4. He must have his Daddy’s ears.
What I say: Yes, they both have prominent ears.
What I’d like to say: Yes, he’s part Vulcan.
5. Wow! They’re three, six, and nine? That’s really good planning.
What I say: Yes, we’re really lucky.
What I’d like to say: Actually, they’re deployment babies. My husband goes away, comes back, and nine months later we have another baby.
What I’ve actually said to strangers:
“If you put our whole family in a line, the kids make more sense that way.”
“Some people like to collect spoons from every state. We collect babies.”
After being complimented on carrying A on my shoulders while pushing L in a stroller: “Don’t forget the oldest who’s hiding in the basket underneath the stroller! AND… I’m in platforms!”
“Ugh, I hate it when they pick up food off the ground and eat it just to annoy me. [TO M] Dude! That wasn’t even OUR M&M! [SEES DISGUST ON STRANGER’S FACE SO KEEP GOING FOR THE HELL OF IT] Oh well. The carpet’s probably cleaner here at Border’s than it is at our house.”